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Are those things alive, and can they hurt me? (Source: Flicker.com: billypalooza)

For the diehard football fan, this Sunday’s Pro Bowl in Miami fills a pigskin void left by the extra week before the Super Bowl.

But for those who are looking for something better to do, which includes anything short of committing mass murder and or removing one’s own spleen with a rusty pocketknife, there are some other options…

10. Talk to your wife. This will likely be the first time you’ve acknowledged her existence on a Sunday since the start of football season.

 9. Channel surf feverishly in hopes of finding a better football game. Maybe ESPN Classic will show one of those memorable gems from the XFL.

 8. Play a game of fantasy football in your living room. Pretend you’re Dwight Freeney (with a good ankle) and your mother-in-law is Drew Brees dropping back to pass.

 7. Do something handy around the house. Let’s face it—you haven’t touched a power tool since September and that now-gaping hole in the roof ain’t gonna fix itself.

 6. Make dinner for the whole family…surely, I jest.

 5. Finally get started on that New Year’s resolution you made to lose 20 lbs. You can begin by getting off the couch to get more Cheetos yourself instead of having them brought to you. The walk to the kitchen should burn at least four calories.

 4. Start to watch that DVD collection of “The A-Team” you got for Christmas and immediately stashed in the attic, hoping it would somehow disappear. How is it that Mr. T never won an Emmy? Pity the fool.

 3. Renew your religious faith by attending evening services at your house of worship—if you can remember where it is.

 2. Take stock of your life and decide the best ways to make the most of your remaining days here on Earth. Like, by watching more football.

 1. Watch “60 Minutes” and try to determine if those things on Andy Rooney’s head are eyebrows, or caterpillars seeking signs of intelligent life.

FSU football academic advisor heading to work (Source: Flickr.com: Rice and D)

 So what types of courses do you put a kid in who probably completed his entrance exam using a box of Crayolas?  Here are some examples…

 Dadgum 101-Taught by Bobby Bowden, the players learn how to talk real good so’s they git a good job when they grajeeate. Those players who can spell their name correctly by the end of the semester will receive a gold star and an extra Oreo before nap time.

 Advanced Smack Talk-Players study photos of their upcoming opponents’ mamas in order to develop a full arsenal of smack for the game. Final exams consist of completing the following phrase: Your mama’s so ugly that_________________.

 Comparative Literature-Players delve into superhero comic books and analyze them for their literary value. Sample essay questions include, “Who was the badder dude: Superman or Spiderman? Discuss.” 

 Pigskin Anatomy-Players work in teams to dissect pigs so that the hides can be used to make practice footballs. Any player who states that the ham from the pig will be used to make hamburgers for the training table is excused from taking the final and receives an automatic A.

 Honors Alphabet-For the more gifted student-athletes, an in-depth look at the ABC’s is taken. Emphasis is placed on being able to list the letters of the alphabet in alphabetical order, starting at A and ending at Z. Partial credit will be given to players who can’t list the entire alphabet but are able to spell “FSU.”

A statement from Tiger Woods…

 To all my fans, my friends, my family, and most of all, to all the girls I’ve loved before…

 Based on the events of the past couple of weeks, and in large part because my wife now has me sleeping in a pup tent in the backyard, I am announcing my plans to withdraw from all upcoming activities.

 Ok, I finally admit that, to paraphrase Chevy Chase in Caddyshack, I’ve been doing a little “night putting” with the daughter of the dean, as well as with cocktail waitresses, chambermaids, soccer moms, housewives of Orange County, and even the surviving cast members of  The Golden Girls, to name a few.

 It’s true that my entire focus has been on getting it in the hole, one way or another.  Maybe if I had learned to pull out sooner, I wouldn’t be needing to have my lawyers scrambling to find loopholes in the prenup.

It is my intent over the next several months to see if there’s any way I’ll be able to sink the birdie again. I love Ellen…Erin….whatever, with all my heart, and I would like nothing better than to be able to improve my lie with her so that I can once again take the wood out of the bag.

 And to my sponsors who have made me obscenely rich to the point where God was hitting me up for sawbucks every now and then, I hope you stick with me during this difficult period of my lack of gratification.

 If not, no biggie. Just think of the scratch I could make endorsing Trojans. Or how about Viagra…”Viva the Tiger!”

 In closing, I’d just like to say how sorry I am for getting caught with my Tiger hanging out. Please give me your forgiveness, or in lieu of that, your sister’s phone number.

 Oh, and to that broad I called, you don’t have to take your name off your phone anymore. It kinda doesn’t matter at this point.

Is Otis (second from left) ready to face CC Sabathia? (Source: Sportspoof.com-Indiewench)

Trailing two games to one to the New York Yankees in the 2009 World Series, Philadelphia Phillies manager Charlie Manuel has decided to call on some old friends to ensure his team doesn’t fall further behind.

Manuel, known as “Charlie Mayberry” for his Southern drawl and homespun country ways, will activate surviving cast members of The Andy Griffith Show to help combat the Bronx Bombers.

“I know it’s a bit of gamble,” Manuel said of his somewhat untraditional strategy. “Some of those guys haven’t played ball in a long time, but I know that Opie had a hell of an arm. I remember that episode where he threw a baseball clean through the neighbor’s window, which is a damn sight better than (Cole) Hamels can do right now.”

Manuel also said that the Pyle cousins, auto mechanics Goober and Gomer, would be available in the bullpen for the rest of the series.

“Those two couldn’t fix cars worth a pint of piss,” Manuel said. “But I heard they once combined on a two-hitter to shut down Mount Pilot. It’s a damn shame that Gomer went and joined the Marines. I understand he had a hell of a future as a closer.”

When pressed, Manuel indicated that he wishes he could bring in the now-deceased loveable town drunk Otis Campbell to replace slumping slugger Ryan Howard at first base.

“I think Otis could have been a real asset if he would have had a chance to go to rehab. I just saw the Griffith episode where Andy swore him in as a deputy, so that tells me he might have eventually been ready to step up to the plate, so to speak. But he probably would’ve  gone on a bender and locked himself in his jail cell before a game.”

Manuel did not hesitate when asked if there was one deceased cast member he wishes he could bring back, and it wouldn’t have been the comical Barney Fife, or even Andy himself.

“Aunt Bea,” Manuel quickly responded. “What a freakin’ hottie! She could bake my biscuits anytime.”

Artist's full-scale rendering of Marbury after thawing (Source: Flickr.com-demealiffe)

Disappointed by what he considers to be a dearth of acceptable contract offers, veteran NBA point guard Stephon Marbury will sit out the next 20 years and have himself frozen in a cryogenics lab in the meantime.

The 32-year-old Marbury, who has played in only 47 regular season games over the past two seasons mainly due to disciplinary issues, says he fully intends to resume his career in the 2019-20 NBA season upon thawing. He recently turned down an offer from the Boston Celtics to play for the $1.3 million veteran minimum salary for the 2000-10 season.

“I’m tired of this s—t,” Marbury said. “Everyone knows I’m the best point guard in the history of the NBA—the history of history, for that matter. I’m gonna get the money I deserve, even if I have to turn my noggin into a Freeze Pop.”

Marbury said he has drawn inspiration from legendary baseball slugger Ted Williams, whose head was separated from his body and cryogenically frozen upon his death in 2002.

“My man Ted had the right idea,” Marbury said. “When the time is right, he’ll be back knocking baseballs off the Green Monster at Fenway and making $50 million. Maybe we can plan our comebacks at the same time. Wouldn’t that be cool!”

Marbury said he was not discouraged by recent stories that Williams’ head was abused by workers at the Arizona cryogenics lab where it is stored, at one point reportedly being used in a bizarre batting practice ritual involving a monkey wrench. He also indicated that he wasn’t worried about long-term effects of the procedure, including the possibility of severe shrinkage.

“The can’t hurt Starbury,” Marbury said. “If anybody tries to mess with my bad frozen self, I’ll thaw myself out and give them a beat-down, just like I did Isiah Thomas.”

Attempts to reach Williams’ head for comment were unsuccessful, as reporters were told it was currently “unavailable.”

Texas fans channeling the Prince of Darkness (Source: Flickr.com-stegersaurus31)

The Texas Longhorns took advantage of five Oklahoma Sooners turnovers en route to a 16-13 victory in the annual Red River Rivalry.

The mistakes were due in large part to the influence of a Lower Power, the Prince of Darkness. Satan indicated that he had no choice but to affect the outcome to protect his own interests.

“I had the ‘Horns to cover,” Satan said, referring to the point spread that had Texas listed as a 2 1/2-point favorite. “The Sooners were making it close, so I had to do something. I had 10 G’s riding on this one.”

Mephistopheles said he used a variety of methods to force the Sooners into mistakes, including channeling his powers through many of the Longhorns fans in attendance at the Cotton Bowl.

“I won’t reveal all of my methods,” he said. “But I will say that I had to reach deeply into my bag of tricks. I was able to get into the head of that freshman  QB (Oklahoma backup quarterback Landry Jones) a bit. He played like a man possessed, so to speak.”

Satan indicated that he also had to overcome the inept play of the Longhorn, particularly that of quarterback Colt McCoy.

“Leave it a Jesus boy to nearly screw things up,” he said of the God-fearing Texas signal-caller who committed two turnovers. “You try to help a guy out, yet he nearly throws it all away. I mean, it’s not like the devil made him do it.”

Satan vehmently denied accusations that he tried to stack the odds in his favor by causing the first quarter shoulder injury to Oklahoma star quarterback Sam Bradford.

“I had absolutely nothing to do with that injury!” he exclaimed angrily. “Remeber: the kid had a bum shoulder to start with. Just because I’m the devil doesn’t mean I’m some kind of sadist.”

Wooden explaining to Alcindor the extent of his manhood (Source: Flickr.com-McCart42)

Fed up with the lengthening of the modern basketball shorts and the demise of the Afro, legendary college basketball coach John Wooden celebrated his 99th birthday by announcing his return to coaching.

Wooden, who last guided  UCLA  in 1975, will replace current Bruins coach Ben Howland, effective immediately. He says his first order of business will be to replace the long shorts that are now in vogue.

“Whoever came up with the idea for long shorts must be some kind of eunuch,” Wooden said. “I fully intend to bring back the Nut-huggers. I think these young men today are afraid to show their ‘manhood,’ if you get my drift. Or maybe the real problem is that they’re a bunch of pansies.”

Wooden also announced plans to recruit some of his former players and have them sport Afros. At the top of his list is his former star, Lewis Alcindor.

“He is no longer Kareem Abdul-Jabbar,” Wooden said of his hairless center. “He’s changing his name back to Lewis Alcindor and getting a brand new ‘Fro from Mr. Ray’s Hair Weave. I can’t wait to be chillin’ with my old homie.”

Wooden said he recently discovered that Alcindor still had one more year of eligibilty remaining since freshmen were not allowed to play varsity ball during his era.

When asked if another UCLA legend, Bill Walton, would also be returning, Wooden indicated that he doesn’t see it happening.

“We tried fitting Bill with an Afro,” he said. “But quite honestly, he looked like a freakin’ Albino nightmare. Even the Afro Sheen Blowout Kit didn’t help.”

Wooden also said he wasn’t worried about finding enough of his former players to field a team in time for the start of the upcoming season.

“If I can’t find enough of my guys, I have all the phone numbers for the cast of the ’70’s TV show The White Shadow. Those young men had some stones!”

Bucknor giving himself an earful (Source: Flickr.com-UMPS CARE Charity)

Embarrassed by his atrocious calls on the bases during the ALDS Game 1 and an equally inept performance calling balls and strikes in Game 2, umpire C.B. Bucknor ejected himself from the third and final game of the series between the Boston Red Sox and Los Angeles Angels.

Bucknor, who was in charge of the right field foul line in the series finale, could be heard arguing loudly with himself, at times lapsing into expletive-laced tirades.

 “He was really laying into himself,” said Angels right fielder Bobby Abreu after the game. “I couldn’t believe the language he was using. It sounded like a Martin Lawrence CD or something.”

Red Sox right fielder J.D. Drew, known for his strong religious beliefs, was so offended that he almost left the field at one point.

 “I felt so…dirty after awhile,” Drew said. “It was to the point where I just wanted to run off the field and take a shower. I just hope God will have mercy on his soul.”

Things came to a head during the bottom of the seventh inning when Bucknor suddenly sprinted down the right field foul line, ripped the first base bag out of the ground, and attempted to throw it at himself. He then began kicking dirt on his left shoe with his right foot.

The ejection culminated when Bucknor pointed to himself, spun around in a circle on his left leg and shot his right index finger into the air. The other five members of the umpiring crew then had to restrain Bucknor from attacking himself.

 After exiting the field through the Red Sox dugout, Bucknor began to litter the field with bats, gloves and containers of Gatorade before he was finally dragged into the Red Sox clubhouse.

Bucknor would not comment on his actions following the game, citing the rule indicating that any criticism of the umpires can result in a major fine and/or suspension.

LaRussa turns to bottle in undated photo (Source: Flickr.com-John Renfro 99)

Disconsolate following his team’s unexpected early exit from the postseason, St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa said he will seek comfort from his old friend, the bottle.

“The bottle has always been there for me in my time of need,” LaRussa said shortly after his team’s season-ending 5-1 loss to the Los Angeles Dodgers. “I think it’s about time we get together again.”

LaRussa and the bottle had apparently been at odds ever since the manager’s DUI arrest in March of 2007. LaRussa had blamed the bottle for the incident, claiming that it had kept him from operating his vehicle properly. LaRussa swore off the bottle shortly after the incident, saying that the two would no longer be friends.

However, LaRussa is so devastated because of his team’s loss that he is even considering befriending several bottles at once.

“I think it’s gonna take more than one bottle to get over this one,” he said. “In fact, I know of a place where they have 99 bottles on the wall. I think I’ll take one down and pass it around, followed by another, and then another. In times like these, you need all the friends you can get.”

LaRussa also said that his consultation with the bottle may help him determine his future. He is 65 years old and says he is unsure if he wants to return for a 15th season as the Cardinals manager.

“I really don’t know what I want to do yet,” he said. “I have a feeling that once I start spending time with the bottle again, I may not want to do anything else. We’ve always had such a good time together.”

The St. Louis-based Anheuser-Busch Brewery, the former owner of the Cardinals and purveyor of millions of bottles, would not comment as to whether it had been contacted recently by LaRussa.

Deion at press conference with misguided Barack Obama look-a-like. (Source: Flickr.com-Mommy2djandtori's photostream)

As a way of capitalizing on his recent wave of publicity, former NFL star Deion “Prime Time” Sanders announced he is launching a new business venture called Prime Time Pinheads Unlimited. The purpose is to give the worst possible advice to clients who are intent upon ruining their lives or who just want to make complete fools of themselves.

Sanders cemented his pinheadedness recently by giving gooberish contract advice to San Francisco 49ers holdout rookie wide receiver Michael Crabtree. He also helped Oklahoma State wide receiver Dez  “Pea-Brain” Bryant get himself suspended by lying about having dinner at Sanders’ Dallas home.

Sanders appeared at a press conference with his newest client, a 15-year-old boy named Darius “Bonehead” McCoy. The youth is apparently getting horrid tips from Sanders as to how to win a Barack Obama look-a-like contest by dressing like a freakin’ clown. McCoy was wearing a jacket that appeared to be made out of remnants from Big Al’s House of Carpet.

Reporters asked Sanders why he felt qualified to give others crappy advice.

“When you think about it, I’ve pretty much always been a chucklehead,” he said. “Remember when I thought I could be a star in both football and baseball? What about that gay do-rag I used to wear? Then there was that little-girlie slap fight I had on the field with Andre Rison. And how about when I dumped champagne on Tim McCarver’s head? I mean, am I a cretin or what?”

Sanders also said there is no limit to the bad advice he can give in the future.

 “There’s so much I could do in my new role,” he said. “I’m sure schools would hire me to speak to the kids about the advantages of joining gangs and having unprotected sex as young as possible. I’m also thinking of becoming a full-time agent. Just give me one year, and I’d have the entire NFL on skid row.”