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Arreola addresses the media after loss (Source: Flicker.com-Jason DeRusha)

 Heavyweight boxer Cristobal Arreola (which I think is Spanish for “Crybaby Airhead”) made quite a spectacle of himself after his attempt to wrest the WBC championship belt away from Vitali Klitschko (Russian for “I rip out your spleen and eat it for lunch”) ended unsuccessfully with a TKO after the 10^th round. 

Not only did Arreola drop multiple f-bombs during his post-fight interview with Larry Merchant, but he also sobbed like a baby. We’re not talking sniffles here—we’re talking Mike Schmidt retirement press conference blubbering. 

I kept waiting for Nancy Kerrigan to jump into the frame and start wailing, “Why me? Wh-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y?” 

I should have known something was up when his trainer appeared to be giving him breast milk between rounds, and he was sucking on a pacifier instead of a mouthpiece. 

Is this what heavyweight boxing has come to? Could you picture Joe Frazier breaking into a crying jag after the Thrilla in Manilla? I think if Frazier would have caught himself crying, he would have knocked himself out. 

Does this mean that heavyweight fights will now have to be staged in a playpen instead of a ring? I can just hear Michael Buffer now. “Ladies and gentlemen…Let’s get ready to TODDLE!… In this corner, wearing the pink Huggies and matching booties…” 

Maybe Gerber will come out with a new line of baby food just for boxers.

 “Hey champ, you sure did lose a lot of weight in a hurry for this fight. How did you do it?”

 “That’s easy. It was a steady diet of Strained Apricots with Tapioca. Try keeping that from running through you—although I must admit I developed a fondness for the Strained Beets with Carrots.”

If Arreola gets another shot at the title, they can hold the fight at a Tammy’s Tiny Tots Day-Care Center. In the meantime, I’m sure he could find plenty of sparring partners in the maternity ward.

I sure hope Arreola doesn’t read this. I’m afraid of babies. Especially ones that could probably rip out my spleen.

"I concur. The Monroe Doctrine ultimately paved the way for American expansionism in the early 19th century." (Source: flickr.com-jesusd1982)

Okay kids, here’s a sports trivia question for you: Who is the Cypriot Ambassador to the United Nations?

I’ll give the answer at the end of this post–no peeking, or I’ll slap your knuckles with a ruler. If you do happen to know the answer, you may be qualified for which of the following careers?

a) A foreign affairs correspondent on CNN.
b) One of those annoying college professors who can list every UN Ambassador from every country in the past 30 years but has the charm and social skills of a piece of navel lint.
c) The Cypriot Ambassador to the United Nations

The correct answer to this question is: a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader.

Believe it or not, one of the qualifications to be able to shake your groove thing for America’s team, in addition to having a fantastic pair of pom-poms, is to pass a test that covers world affairs, facts about Cowboys history, and presumably things like how to apply mascara while simultaneously splitting an atom.

I can only imagine the answers given by those candidates who didn’t quite make the cut.

Q. The Bay of Pigs Invasion of 1961 strained relations between the United States and Cuba, and left a black mark on the presidency of John F. Kennedy. Discuss.

A. Like, I can totally relate. I one dated this guy named John, and he was such a pig. Like, he used to work for this tar company, and whenever he came to my apartment after work his shoes would leave black marks all over my carpet. It was totally gross! It strained our relations, so I dumped him for a garbage man.

Q. Compare and contrast the fall of the Iron Curtain with the collapse of the Roman empire.

A. That’s silly. Everyone knows you should never iron curtains, even if they fall. And the Empire State Building is not in Rome. It’s right here in Dallas.

Q. Who is the current President of the United States?

A. Wait, don’t tell me. It’s some Italian guy. I think his name is Rocco Bahama, right? No, wait. This must be one of those trick questions. I bet his name is Current.

By the way, the Cypriot Ambassador to the United Nations is Minas Hadjimichael. And yes, I had to look it up. None of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders would return my call.

Oops...How did that get there? (Source: Flicker.com-True Stories)

Former New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress recently began serving a two-year prison sentence for accidentally shooting himself in the thigh with an unlicensed Glock. Plax had the Weapon of Mass Dumbassness concealed in the waistband of his sweatpants while he was in a Manhattan nightclub. 

Had the weapon been located in the back of his sweatpants, Plax most likely would have blown his brains out.

Given Plax’s fondness for placing objects down his pants, I can only wonder what he may have tried to sneak into prison with him…

10. A fully-grown cucumber as a way to attract lots of new friends.

9. A DVD of The Longest Yard—the original version, not the dreadful Adam Sandler remake. Too bad he won’t be able to nail Ray Nitschke in the groin.

8. A copy of the book Bend Over for the Soap and Bark Like a Dog: A Prison Survival Guide by Michael Vick.

7. Copies of his two 2008 restraining orders to keep him from getting homesick.

6. Keys to the Chevy Avalanche given to him by a car dealer for his use that he never returned and was eventually impounded by police. Hey, he’s gonna need something to drive in two years.

5. Keys to the uninsured $140,000 Mercedes he was operating when he rear-ended another driver. (See # 6 above.) My guess is that he will become an expert in rear-ending over the next two years.

4. Eli Manning’s phone number so that he can call the Giants quarterback from time to time to tell him that he’s wide open.

3. A copy of the book How to Make Fabulous Filet Mignon from Prison Mystery Meat by Martha Stewart.

2. His degree in Molecular Biology that he received from Michigan State…yeah, right.

1. An unlicensed Glock. Some guys never learn.

Otis contemplates Vick's fate (Source: Flickr.com-GaryQ)

Michael Vick is ready for his return to the NFL, and apparently so are the canine residents of the City of Brotherly Love. 

The Philadelphia Eagles quarterback is set to return to an active NFL roster this Sunday for the first time since 2006 due to his imprisonment for running a dogfighting operation.

“I’ve been watching football from afar the last two years and this is a dream come true to me,” Vick told the Associated Press.

Meanwhile, a six-year-old Philadelphia bulldog named Otis gave indications that Vick’s dream could turn into a nightmare come Sunday’s home game against the Kansas City Chiefs.

 “He’s not the only one who’s been waiting,” Otis said with a snarl. “My buddies and I might just have a little something up our wrinkles for Mr. Vick.”

When asked to elaborate, Otis would not say what might be in store for Vick, but he did rule out some possibilities. 

“We kicked around a few ideas,” he said. “At first, we were planning to paint all the city’s fire hydrants in Eagles colors and with Vick’s number 7 so that all the dogs would have a chance to ‘vent,’ so to speak. But we dismissed that as being too juvenile.

“Then, we thought about having an organized Dawg Pound similar to what the Browns have in Cleveland, but we wanted something more original. Besides, the anatomical structure of our paws makes it difficult to purchase game tickets online.”

Otis scoffed when asked if the Philadelphia dogs have enlisted the aid of PETA to help them form an organized protest outside the stadium.

 “PETA! What a bunch of losers,” he said. “I mean, a bunch of whack jobs standing there holding signs and screaming, ‘Save our little kitties and puppies’ ? Get a freakin’ life and move out of the loft in your grandma’s garage, why don’t ya? We plan on doing something that has a little more ‘teeth’ to it.”

Otis was asked what he thought about Vick’s running of the Eagles’ Wildcat formation.

 “Wildcat…how ironic,” he said. “Here he gets sent to the pokey for torturing dogs, now he’s running the Wildcat. I guess they were afraid of calling it ‘Bulldog.’ Talk about political correctness gone awry. What a bunch of wusses.”

 Otis concluded by hinting that Vick should be on his guard when he leaves the stadium on Sunday.

“He better still be wearing his uniform when he’s walking out to his car—including his protective cup. He’s gonna feel like a mailman in a meat suit.”

"Bring it on, Dwarf Boy" (Source: Flickr.com-DyeStatCal)

In an effort to avoid having his team’s season ruined by yet another unexpected loss to a conference opponent, USC Trojans head coach Pete Carroll announced his school’s plans to secede from the Pac-10 Conference to form a league of its own. 

Carroll’s comments came after his team’s most recent debacle, a last-second loss to the Washington Huskies, a team that was winless in 2008. In previous years, the Trojans had seen their hopes of a national championship dashed by losses to conference foes such as Stanford, UCLA, and Oregon State, and an inexplicable thrashing at the hands of the Arizona State women’s water polo team. 

“This conference is just too damn tough,” said Carroll. “We need to start playing a weaker schedule, like maybe some high school badminton teams–I‘m talking intramurals here, not the regular team. I heard there is a parochial school out in El Segundo called Our Lady of Perpetual Cowards. They’d be more than welcome to join. I’d even be open to playing against a squad of dwarfs or amputees.” 

When asked what the name of his new conference would be, Carroll said he was considering several options.

“I think it needs a catchy name to draw attention, yet still manages to tell everybody what the league is all about. I’m thinking something like ‘The Insignificant 10’ or, to be more realistic, ‘The Lame-Ass 10.’”

 Carroll was also asked if his conference should be eligible for the BCS. 

“Sure, why not?” he said. “Just because our teams might be physically incapable of playing Parcheesi, let alone football, doesn’t mean they couldn’t compete with the big boys. I mean, even  Florida would struggle against a team of orphans with no functioning appendages if we gave ‘em some of those motorized wheel chairs. Such devices would be banned during our conference schedule, of course.” 

Carroll also said he felt no shame in playing a weaker schedule.

“Heck no–why should I?” he said. “If nothing else, it should be able to save my school a ton of money since I won’t have to spend as much on recruiting perks.

Lefty relief specialist Spurgeon "Grandpa" Southbone (Source: Flickr.com-Diego Sierralta)

Some definitions of the baseball terminology that has crept into the lexicon over the past 20 years or so, and how they might be used in a sentence by a manager… 

Tack-on runs-Additional runs sought by a team to increase a razor-thin lead.

Example: “I know we were leading 16 to 2, in the bottom of the eighth, but I put on the double steal because we needed some tack-on runs.”

Pitch count-The number of pitches that a starting pitcher is limited to in the course of a game.

Example: “I know Ace had a perfect game going, but he had reached his pitch count so I was afraid his arm might break off at the shoulder and be dragged away and gnawed on by that scary-looking mascot. And no, I don’t think it was a mistake, even though the bullpen blew an eight-run lead.”

Catch-and-throw guy-A journeyman catcher know for his defensive prowess and anemic bat.

Example: “We were lucky that Lamestick was available, even though he has been released eight times in the past six months. He’s a good catch-and-throw guy, but if I see him go within 10 feet of the bat rack I’m gonna rip off his arms and use them to make fungo bats.”

Innings eater-A pitcher of mediocre ability who, in defiance of basic human decency, is allowed to pitch into the sixth inning in his starts, regardless of his effectiveness.

Example: “McGopher is a real innings eater. True, his ERA is higher than the national debt, but at least he saves me from using my middle relievers. Their ERA is higher than the cast of a Cheech and Chong movie.”

Contract year: A term often heard with regard to a player who signed a lucrative multi-year contract, then pretty much phoned it in until the final year, when it comes time to seek a new, more lucrative mult-year contract.

Example: “Glad to see that Lardbutt finally got it together. He seems to have finally gotten over his nagging hair follicle strain and his chronic tongue burn, and has gotten his batting average over .230. You can tell it’s a contract year.”

Left-handed specialist: A left-handed reliever, usually in his mid-50’s or older, whose only job is to face one opposing left-handed hitter every week or so, compiling 18 2/3 innings per season in the process.

Example: “I wanted to bring Grandpa Southbone in to face Sluggerewski in that situation, but I thought he needed another night off. I know he’s our left-handed specialist, but he did pitch a third of an inning during the Nixon Administration

Would you hug this...man? (Source: Flickr.com-Tensegrity Dan)

Foxborough, Mass.-Faced with the unenviable prospect of ending their cherished 11-game losing streak to the New England Patriots, the Buffalo Bills committed some clutch mistakes down the stretch to pull out a 24-25 loss.

Leading 24-13, the Bills’ comeback began when their defense generously allowed a Tom Brady touchdown pass to Benjamin Watson with 2:06 left in the fourth quarter.

Then, to demonstrate that there truly is no “i” in “defeat,” the Bills’ Leodis McKelvin fumbled the ensuing kickoff which was recovered by the Patriots at the Buffalo 31. The Bills then displayed the heart of a cellar-dweller by looking on with pride as Brady connected with Watson again, this time for the winning score.

“I feel so good for Benjamin,” said Buffalo head coach Dick Jauron after the game. “He looked so lost and alone for most of the game. I was just happy that we were able to afford the opportunity for him to feel good about himself. Self-esteem, combined with gentleness and love are so important in this league.”

Jauron also added that he knew his team could keep the losing streak going, and was pleased to hear that Brady tied his personal completion mark of 39 in a single game.

“I knew we could do it,” he said. “I mean, we sucked so bad in the preseason that I knew we could get it together at the end of the game. And while I’m happy for Tom, I feel badly that he didn’t break his record. Oh well, we do play them again later in the year. Maybe it’ll happen then.”

McKelvin also expressed joy over his game-losing miscue.

“I don’t know what was wrong with me,” he said. “I mean, I played so well the whole game. That’s just not me.  I’m just glad I could come through when it mattered most.”

Patriots coach Bill Belichick, meanwhile, was beside himself over his team’s performance.

“Comebacks like that really get my goat,” he said. “We did everything we could to lose that game and finally end that stupid streak, then our guys just had to ruin it for everyone by playing great. Boy, are they gonna get it in practice this week. They have been taking advantage of my warm demeanor and sunny disposition for too long. From now on, it’s no more Mr. Nice Guy… I just need to hug something right now. Has anybody seen my puppy?

...Or is he? (Source: Flickr.com-DesignAShirt.com)

On the eve of the Minnesota Vikings’ season opener in Cleveland, nothing would suprise me less than if Brett Favre decided to hightail it out of town and go back to the farm in Mississippi, or defect to Cuba, or become a Tibetan monk, or…whatever. Here are some telltale signs that he may not be under center come Opening Day…

10. He screams at his hotel roommate, “I can’t take this anymore. It’s either Matlock or Murder, She Wrote. Just pick one, for God’s sake. Can’t you make up your freakin’ mind?”

9. During pregame warm ups, he spots Brady Quinn and yells, “Get the hell off my lawn you snot-nosed kid,” then stalks off the field.

8. Instead of reading the game plan, he was seen reading an article called “Your Prostate is Your Friend” in AARP Magazine.

7. After coming back from a visit to the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame, he couldn’t stop whistling Doo-Wop  tunes. He also referred to the Rolling Stones as ” those youngsters.”

6. He has a private tractor gassed and ready at the Cleveland airport, waiting to whisk him away at a moment’s notice.

5. When he opened his overnight bag, several cans of Ensure spilled out.

4. He confided to a teammate, “I’m so nervous. I hope I don’t soil my Depends.”

3. His pregame meal request consisted of a double order of oatmeal and a glass of prune juice. Fat-free.

2. After slipping in the hotel shower he called out, “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”

1. He tells the trainer he doesn’t think he can play because he just discovered a new liver spot.

No caption required (Source: Flickr.com-tyelidd)

We all know about the horrific events that occurred on this date, September 11, eight years ago. Another event, perhaps less tragic but still sad nonetheless, occurred on the same date one year later.

Johnny Unitas passed away from a hear attack at the age of 69.

Johnny U., the greatest quarterback in the history of the NFFL (that’s the National Freakin’ Football League), the man who made the crewcut cool and black high top spikes the most fashionable footwear since Chuck Taylor put a star on sneakers made out of tent flaps.

The man from Pittsburgh influenced my life in many ways. For one, I insisted on wearing black high top Chucks to my junior prom (they didn’t allow spikes on the gym floor) along with a crewcut and the number 19 spray-painted my back. What made it odd was that my date did the same. She looked better than I did, though. Must have been the eye black and shoulder pads.

I remember hearing a story of how Johnny once got his nose smashed to a bloody pulp from a vicious hit. Did he call for the trainer? Stagger to the sideline and collapse in a heap? Cry for his momma? Nope, to stop the bleeding, John grabbed a handful of mud and shoved it up his nose. I like to think I’m that tough, but hell, just the sight of blood makes me curl up in a fetal position and refuse nourishment for several weeks.

Johnny was known as a no-nonsense type of guy. Though not much of a talker, if a teammate screwed up on the field, Johnny would fix him with an icy glare that would make him feel like digging a hole in the turf, crawling inside, and not coming out until the spring thaw. Could you see somebody like T.O. coming back to the huddle and saying, “Throw me the damn ball! I’m open on every play!” John would throw him the ball, but T.O. would be singing falsetto for the rest of his life.

So on this day of rememberance, take a moment to remember Johnny U. I think I’ll dig out my old prom tux. It probably won’t fit, but I sure hope the high tops will.

"I'll see you in hell, Allen Iverson" ( Photo source: Flickr.com-ballerblogger)

According to Allen Iverson, it was God’s idea for him to sign a contract with the Memphis Grizzlies, a team that has won a measly 68 games over the past three seasons and appears to have a less promising future than Charles Manson.

Which raises the question: What did A.I. ever do to deserve the wrath of the man upstairs? Is there an answer for The Answer? Perhaps a snippet of the conversation between the two will shed some light…

God:  A.I., I hate to tell you this, but I’ve thought it over and decided that you’re playing in Memphis next year.   

A.I.: Memphis? We talkin’ about Memphis? I’m the franchise player and we talkin’ about Memphis? Memphis?

God: Yeah, well, it’s the best I could do. It was either that or playing overseas. They’re dying for point guards in the Ukraine right now. I didn’t think you’d want to go there. I mean, all the women have facial hair and no teeth. It’s not pretty.

A.I.: Couldn’t you at least have gotten me on the Cavs? I mean, me and LeBron together couldn’t be stopped.

God: To tell you the truth, I kinda don’t have the pull in the Association that I used to. Stern’s still pissed at me for the Ron Artest thing–like it’s my fault the man’s a wingnut–and he keeps insisting that I put a winner in New York. What does he think I am–a miracle worker?

A.I.: Yeah, but–Memphis? We talkin’ about Memphis…Man, you know how hot it gets down there? It’s hotter than hel–

God: Don’t say it. I know all about that place…Besides, Memphis isn’t all that bad. There’s the blues, great barbecue, and you might even get to hang out at Graceland. I think they still keep one of Elvis’s pink Cadillacs there. And you can eat peanut butter and ‘nana sandwiches and shoot up TVs, just like The King. Besides, the Grizzlies’ season will be over long before the hot weather starts.

A.I.: Man, I gotta know. Why you doin’ this to me? Was it that weapons thing in ‘02? Or that bowling alley thing? I was just a kid…

God: Well, if you must know, I did it as a favor to Larry Brown. He told that if he has to spend the rest of his career in hell, then you should, too