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Artist's full-scale rendering of Marbury after thawing (Source: Flickr.com-demealiffe)

Disappointed by what he considers to be a dearth of acceptable contract offers, veteran NBA point guard Stephon Marbury will sit out the next 20 years and have himself frozen in a cryogenics lab in the meantime.

The 32-year-old Marbury, who has played in only 47 regular season games over the past two seasons mainly due to disciplinary issues, says he fully intends to resume his career in the 2019-20 NBA season upon thawing. He recently turned down an offer from the Boston Celtics to play for the $1.3 million veteran minimum salary for the 2009-10 season.

“I’m tired of this s—t,” Marbury said. “Everyone knows I’m the best point guard in the history of the NBA—the history of history, for that matter. I’m gonna get the money I deserve, even if I have to turn my noggin into a Freeze Pop.”

Marbury said he has drawn inspiration from legendary baseball slugger Ted Williams, whose head was separated from his body and cryogenically frozen upon his death in 2002.

“My man Ted had the right idea,” Marbury said. “When the time is right, he’ll be back knocking baseballs off the Green Monster at Fenway and making $50 million. Maybe we can plan our comebacks at the same time. Wouldn’t that be cool!”

Marbury said he was not discouraged by recent stories that Williams’ head was abused by workers at the Arizona cryogenics lab where it is stored, at one point reportedly being used in a bizarre batting practice ritual involving a monkey wrench. He also indicated that he wasn’t worried about long-term effects of the procedure, including the possibility of severe shrinkage.

“The can’t hurt Starbury,” Marbury said. “If anybody tries to mess with my bad frozen self, I’ll thaw myself out and give them a beat-down, just like I did Isiah Thomas.”

Attempts to reach Williams’ head for comment were unsuccessful, as reporters were told it was currently “unavailable.”

Texas fans channeling the Prince of Darkness (Source: Flickr.com-stegersaurus31)

The Texas Longhorns took advantage of five Oklahoma Sooners turnovers en route to a 16-13 victory in the annual Red River Rivalry.

The mistakes were due in large part to the influence of a Lower Power, the Prince of Darkness. Satan indicated that he had no choice but to affect the outcome to protect his own interests.

“I had the ‘Horns to cover,” Satan said, referring to the point spread that had Texas listed as a 2 1/2-point favorite. “The Sooners were making it close, so I had to do something. I had 10 G’s riding on this one.”

Mephistopheles said he used a variety of methods to force the Sooners into mistakes, including channeling his powers through many of the Longhorns fans in attendance at the Cotton Bowl.

“I won’t reveal all of my methods,” he said. “But I will say that I had to reach deeply into my bag of tricks. I was able to get into the head of that freshman  QB (Oklahoma backup quarterback Landry Jones) a bit. He played like a man possessed, so to speak.”

Satan indicated that he also had to overcome the inept play of the Longhorn, particularly that of quarterback Colt McCoy.

“Leave it a Jesus boy to nearly screw things up,” he said of the God-fearing Texas signal-caller who committed two turnovers. “You try to help a guy out, yet he nearly throws it all away. I mean, it’s not like the devil made him do it.”

Satan vehmently denied accusations that he tried to stack the odds in his favor by causing the first quarter shoulder injury to Oklahoma star quarterback Sam Bradford.

“I had absolutely nothing to do with that injury!” he exclaimed angrily. “Remeber: the kid had a bum shoulder to start with. Just because I’m the devil doesn’t mean I’m some kind of sadist.”

Wooden explaining to Alcindor the extent of his manhood (Source: Flickr.com-McCart42)

Fed up with the lengthening of the modern basketball shorts and the demise of the Afro, legendary college basketball coach John Wooden celebrated his 99th birthday by announcing his return to coaching.

Wooden, who last guided  UCLA  in 1975, will replace current Bruins coach Ben Howland, effective immediately. He says his first order of business will be to replace the long shorts that are now in vogue.

“Whoever came up with the idea for long shorts must be some kind of eunuch,” Wooden said. “I fully intend to bring back the Nut-huggers. I think these young men today are afraid to show their ‘manhood,’ if you get my drift. Or maybe the real problem is that they’re a bunch of pansies.”

Wooden also announced plans to recruit some of his former players and have them sport Afros. At the top of his list is his former star, Lewis Alcindor.

“He is no longer Kareem Abdul-Jabbar,” Wooden said of his hairless center. “He’s changing his name back to Lewis Alcindor and getting a brand new ‘Fro from Mr. Ray’s Hair Weave. I can’t wait to be chillin’ with my old homie.”

Wooden said he recently discovered that Alcindor still had one more year of eligibilty remaining since freshmen were not allowed to play varsity ball during his era.

When asked if another UCLA legend, Bill Walton, would also be returning, Wooden indicated that he doesn’t see it happening.

“We tried fitting Bill with an Afro,” he said. “But quite honestly, he looked like a freakin’ Albino nightmare. Even the Afro Sheen Blowout Kit didn’t help.”

Wooden also said he wasn’t worried about finding enough of his former players to field a team in time for the start of the upcoming season.

“If I can’t find enough of my guys, I have all the phone numbers for the cast of the ’70’s TV show The White Shadow. Those young men had some stones!”

Bucknor giving himself an earful (Source: Flickr.com-UMPS CARE Charity)

Embarrassed by his atrocious calls on the bases during the ALDS Game 1 and an equally inept performance calling balls and strikes in Game 2, umpire C.B. Bucknor ejected himself from the third and final game of the series between the Boston Red Sox and Los Angeles Angels.

Bucknor, who was in charge of the right field foul line in the series finale, could be heard arguing loudly with himself, at times lapsing into expletive-laced tirades.

 “He was really laying into himself,” said Angels right fielder Bobby Abreu after the game. “I couldn’t believe the language he was using. It sounded like a Martin Lawrence CD or something.”

Red Sox right fielder J.D. Drew, known for his strong religious beliefs, was so offended that he almost left the field at one point.

 “I felt so…dirty after awhile,” Drew said. “It was to the point where I just wanted to run off the field and take a shower. I just hope God will have mercy on his soul.”

Things came to a head during the bottom of the seventh inning when Bucknor suddenly sprinted down the right field foul line, ripped the first base bag out of the ground, and attempted to throw it at himself. He then began kicking dirt on his left shoe with his right foot.

The ejection culminated when Bucknor pointed to himself, spun around in a circle on his left leg and shot his right index finger into the air. The other five members of the umpiring crew then had to restrain Bucknor from attacking himself.

 After exiting the field through the Red Sox dugout, Bucknor began to litter the field with bats, gloves and containers of Gatorade before he was finally dragged into the Red Sox clubhouse.

Bucknor would not comment on his actions following the game, citing the rule indicating that any criticism of the umpires can result in a major fine and/or suspension.

LaRussa turns to bottle in undated photo (Source: Flickr.com-John Renfro 99)

Disconsolate following his team’s unexpected early exit from the postseason, St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa said he will seek comfort from his old friend, the bottle.

“The bottle has always been there for me in my time of need,” LaRussa said shortly after his team’s season-ending 5-1 loss to the Los Angeles Dodgers. “I think it’s about time we get together again.”

LaRussa and the bottle had apparently been at odds ever since the manager’s DUI arrest in March of 2007. LaRussa had blamed the bottle for the incident, claiming that it had kept him from operating his vehicle properly. LaRussa swore off the bottle shortly after the incident, saying that the two would no longer be friends.

However, LaRussa is so devastated because of his team’s loss that he is even considering befriending several bottles at once.

“I think it’s gonna take more than one bottle to get over this one,” he said. “In fact, I know of a place where they have 99 bottles on the wall. I think I’ll take one down and pass it around, followed by another, and then another. In times like these, you need all the friends you can get.”

LaRussa also said that his consultation with the bottle may help him determine his future. He is 65 years old and says he is unsure if he wants to return for a 15th season as the Cardinals manager.

“I really don’t know what I want to do yet,” he said. “I have a feeling that once I start spending time with the bottle again, I may not want to do anything else. We’ve always had such a good time together.”

The St. Louis-based Anheuser-Busch Brewery, the former owner of the Cardinals and purveyor of millions of bottles, would not comment as to whether it had been contacted recently by LaRussa.

Deion at press conference with misguided Barack Obama look-a-like. (Source: Flickr.com-Mommy2djandtori's photostream)

As a way of capitalizing on his recent wave of publicity, former NFL star Deion “Prime Time” Sanders announced he is launching a new business venture called Prime Time Pinheads Unlimited. The purpose is to give the worst possible advice to clients who are intent upon ruining their lives or who just want to make complete fools of themselves.

Sanders cemented his pinheadedness recently by giving gooberish contract advice to San Francisco 49ers holdout rookie wide receiver Michael Crabtree. He also helped Oklahoma State wide receiver Dez  “Pea-Brain” Bryant get himself suspended by lying about having dinner at Sanders’ Dallas home.

Sanders appeared at a press conference with his newest client, a 15-year-old boy named Darius “Bonehead” McCoy. The youth is apparently getting horrid tips from Sanders as to how to win a Barack Obama look-a-like contest by dressing like a freakin’ clown. McCoy was wearing a jacket that appeared to be made out of remnants from Big Al’s House of Carpet.

Reporters asked Sanders why he felt qualified to give others crappy advice.

“When you think about it, I’ve pretty much always been a chucklehead,” he said. “Remember when I thought I could be a star in both football and baseball? What about that gay do-rag I used to wear? Then there was that little-girlie slap fight I had on the field with Andre Rison. And how about when I dumped champagne on Tim McCarver’s head? I mean, am I a cretin or what?”

Sanders also said there is no limit to the bad advice he can give in the future.

 “There’s so much I could do in my new role,” he said. “I’m sure schools would hire me to speak to the kids about the advantages of joining gangs and having unprotected sex as young as possible. I’m also thinking of becoming a full-time agent. Just give me one year, and I’d have the entire NFL on skid row.”

Grainy police photo of Bowden being taken into custody (Source: Flickr.com-photo1nc)

Florida State head football coach Bobby Bowden was arrested and charged with impersonating a head coach following Saturday’s tough 28-21 loss to Boston College.

Bowden, who turns 80 in November, was seen being led from the field by state troopers. He waived extradition and flew home from Boston to Tallahassee with the Seminoles team.

“The truth is Bobby hasn’t been involved with this team for a long time,” said offensive coordinator Jimbo Fisher, who is Bowden’s designated replacement. “You saw how confused he looks on the sidelines, like he’s trying to remember where he put his damn car keys. In team meetings, he’ll suddenly get up, drop his pants and say things like ‘let’s see you try and sack this.’ The man just doesn’t have it anymore.”

Florida State athletic director Randy Spetman said he had Bowden arrested as a way to let the aging coach know that it was soon time to move on, something for which he has no remorse.

“Just because the guy’s 80 doesn’t mean he can’t start another career,” Spetman said. “I was in a Walmart the other day and the greeter at the door had to be at least Bobby’s age. And he was doing a damn fine job too, once they sat him up straight and wiped the drool off his chin.”

University president T.K. Wetherell said that Bowden’s arrest will not hinder him from being the de facto head coach for the rest of the season.

“FSU does not change coaches in the middle of the season,” Wetherell said in a news release. “Bobby doesn’t go to court until January. In the meantime, he can stand on the sidelines during games and chew his gum and scratch himself freely, or whatever it is he does down there.”

If convicted, Bowden could either receive the death penalty or the much harsher sentence of having to watch Chris Rix game films until the end of time as we know it.

Bowden had no comment for reporters when questioned while leaving his Tallahassee home.

“None of your dadgum business,” he said when asked for his reaction to his arrest. He then dropped his pants and said, “Let’s see you try and interview this.”

Will Manny dog it in the postseason? (Source: Flickr.com-ewwies)

To: Ned Colletti, GM

Fr:  Manny, #99

Sub: Request for Time Off

 cc: Joe Torre

Dear Dudes,

I thought I would take a break from watching Scooby-Doo reruns to write you this note. Hope you don’t mind the crayon.

I was just wondering if I could have a little time off. I know the playoffs are coming up and all that, but I’m really tired right now and I don’t feel like playing.

I don’t know what it is, but ever since I stopped taking those ladies’ baby drugs, I just don’t feel like myself. Maybe I need some Midol or something.

Let’s face it—19 jacks and 63 ribbies just ain’t me. I need to get away from it all for awhile and have a little ‘me’ time. I am 37 now, you know.

I was thinking of heading down to the Dominican, kickin’ back, having a few cold ones, maybe start a dogfighting ring. Ha-ha! I might feel like coming back in time for the World Series if you guys make it that far. I kinda doubt it, though.

I know what you’re thinking: There’s Manny, dogging it again. But really, even with that 50-game vacation I had earlier in the year, I’m pretty much toast.

I’m sure you could find somebody to replace me. Maybe you could call one of those temp agencies. They might be able to send somebody over with really cool dreads.

I really hope you don’t make me play. If you do, I might have to come up with one of those mysterious hamstring injuries again.

Gotta go—it’s almost time for the Power Rangers to come on.

Hasta la vista,

Me Being Me

P.S. If you do make me play, would it be okay if I took a nap in the outfield? You could just have somebody yell if a ball comes my way.

Piniella during lobotomy procedure (Source: Flickr.com-deane crilley)

 Reeling from the stress of a disappointing season and the news that his city lost out on the 2016 Summer Olympic Games, Chicago Cubs manager Lou Piniella underwent an emergency lobotomy late last night.

The 30-minute procedure was performed at the University of Chicago Hospital by a second-year medical resident identified only as “Slicin’ Sally.”

“Lou just hadn’t been himself lately,” said Cubs bench coach Alan Trammell of the normally fiery Piniella. “Instead of yelling at umpires, he was complimenting them on their personal hygiene and grooming. He went out to argue a call, but instead of yanking a base out of the ground and throwing it like usual, he brushed it off and wiped it down with a moist towelette.”

Trammell said that the Cubs’ imminent second-place National League Central finish in a season where many experts had picked them to go to the World Series had been weighing heavily on Piniella for some time. However, it was the Olympic announcement that sealed the deal.

“Lou was just walking around in a daze, mumbling to himself,” Trammell said. “I couldn’t quite catch all of it. Just something about how it’s all that damn goat’s fault.”

While there was no official comment from the hospital, one person close to Piniella did speak off the record.

“Lou’s just fine,” he said. “He was awake during the whole procedure. At one point, he called the surgeon a “bleepin’ ho-bag,’ so early indications are that he will be back to his old self in no time.”

Trammell said he had no doubt that the surgery will not hinder Piniella’s ability to manage in 2010.

“Lou will be back, for sure,” he said. “He doesn’t need a whole brain. Did you see some of his pitching changes? It’s not like he was using it, anyway.

Phillies players engage in foreplay after victory (Source: Flicker.com-Roose13)

 The City of Brotherly Love lived up to its name after the Philadelphia Phillies clinched the National League East title with a 10-3 victory over the Houston Astros at Citizens Bank Park.

As players swarmed over each other on the field following the game’s final out, their true feelings for one another began to emerge.

“I’ve had my eye on that Cole Hamels for some time now,” reserve catcher Paul Bako confessed after the game. “Those delicate features; those Bambi eyes. Couldn’t you just hug him all to pieces?”

Pitcher Pedro Martinez admitted that there may have been a little more to it than just a chance to win a World Series in his selection of the Phillies as the team with which to make a late-season comeback.

“Two words: Chase Utley,” Martinez said, referring to the Phillies second baseman. “So agile, and yet so strong. I’ve been longing for his passionate embrace since the first time I laid eyes on him.”

Meanwhile, 46-year-old pitcher Jamie Moyer indicated a fondness for the younger players on the squad.

“I’ve always been attracted to tall Texans, so I can’t wait for a little ‘alone time’ with that Kyle Kendrick,” Moyer said of the 6 foot 3 Houston native. “What a man-muffin!…Hey, I’m an old man. I have to get it while I still can.”

Closer Brad Lidge, who has struggled badly during the season, said that he found a source of strength during the tough times.

“Matt Stairs—he’s been so…there for me in my time of need,” Lidge said of the veteran outfielder. “True, he’s not the prettiest filly in the paddock, but what he lacks in physical attractiveness he makes up for in inner beauty. Plus, there’s no substitute for experience.”

Manager Charlie Manuel said he didn’t understand what all the fuss was about.

“So what’s the big deal?” the man affectionately known as “Charlie Mayberry” said. “I thought that this is just what guys do. I mean, I am from the mountains of West Virginia.