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FSU football academic advisor heading to work (Source: Flickr.com: Rice and D)

 So what types of courses do you put a kid in who probably completed his entrance exam using a box of Crayolas?  Here are some examples…

 Dadgum 101-Taught by Bobby Bowden, the players learn how to talk real good so’s they git a good job when they grajeeate. Those players who can spell their name correctly by the end of the semester will receive a gold star and an extra Oreo before nap time.

 Advanced Smack Talk-Players study photos of their upcoming opponents’ mamas in order to develop a full arsenal of smack for the game. Final exams consist of completing the following phrase: Your mama’s so ugly that_________________.

 Comparative Literature-Players delve into superhero comic books and analyze them for their literary value. Sample essay questions include, “Who was the badder dude: Superman or Spiderman? Discuss.” 

 Pigskin Anatomy-Players work in teams to dissect pigs so that the hides can be used to make practice footballs. Any player who states that the ham from the pig will be used to make hamburgers for the training table is excused from taking the final and receives an automatic A.

 Honors Alphabet-For the more gifted student-athletes, an in-depth look at the ABC’s is taken. Emphasis is placed on being able to list the letters of the alphabet in alphabetical order, starting at A and ending at Z. Partial credit will be given to players who can’t list the entire alphabet but are able to spell “FSU.”

A statement from Tiger Woods…

 To all my fans, my friends, my family, and most of all, to all the girls I’ve loved before…

 Based on the events of the past couple of weeks, and in large part because my wife now has me sleeping in a pup tent in the backyard, I am announcing my plans to withdraw from all upcoming activities.

 Ok, I finally admit that, to paraphrase Chevy Chase in Caddyshack, I’ve been doing a little “night putting” with the daughter of the dean, as well as with cocktail waitresses, chambermaids, soccer moms, housewives of Orange County, and even the surviving cast members of  The Golden Girls, to name a few.

 It’s true that my entire focus has been on getting it in the hole, one way or another.  Maybe if I had learned to pull out sooner, I wouldn’t be needing to have my lawyers scrambling to find loopholes in the prenup.

It is my intent over the next several months to see if there’s any way I’ll be able to sink the birdie again. I love Ellen…Erin….whatever, with all my heart, and I would like nothing better than to be able to improve my lie with her so that I can once again take the wood out of the bag.

 And to my sponsors who have made me obscenely rich to the point where God was hitting me up for sawbucks every now and then, I hope you stick with me during this difficult period of my lack of gratification.

 If not, no biggie. Just think of the scratch I could make endorsing Trojans. Or how about Viagra…”Viva the Tiger!”

 In closing, I’d just like to say how sorry I am for getting caught with my Tiger hanging out. Please give me your forgiveness, or in lieu of that, your sister’s phone number.

 Oh, and to that broad I called, you don’t have to take your name off your phone anymore. It kinda doesn’t matter at this point.