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Is Otis (second from left) ready to face CC Sabathia? (Source: Sportspoof.com-Indiewench)

Trailing two games to one to the New York Yankees in the 2009 World Series, Philadelphia Phillies manager Charlie Manuel has decided to call on some old friends to ensure his team doesn’t fall further behind.

Manuel, known as “Charlie Mayberry” for his Southern drawl and homespun country ways, will activate surviving cast members of The Andy Griffith Show to help combat the Bronx Bombers.

“I know it’s a bit of gamble,” Manuel said of his somewhat untraditional strategy. “Some of those guys haven’t played ball in a long time, but I know that Opie had a hell of an arm. I remember that episode where he threw a baseball clean through the neighbor’s window, which is a damn sight better than (Cole) Hamels can do right now.”

Manuel also said that the Pyle cousins, auto mechanics Goober and Gomer, would be available in the bullpen for the rest of the series.

“Those two couldn’t fix cars worth a pint of piss,” Manuel said. “But I heard they once combined on a two-hitter to shut down Mount Pilot. It’s a damn shame that Gomer went and joined the Marines. I understand he had a hell of a future as a closer.”

When pressed, Manuel indicated that he wishes he could bring in the now-deceased loveable town drunk Otis Campbell to replace slumping slugger Ryan Howard at first base.

“I think Otis could have been a real asset if he would have had a chance to go to rehab. I just saw the Griffith episode where Andy swore him in as a deputy, so that tells me he might have eventually been ready to step up to the plate, so to speak. But he probably would’ve  gone on a bender and locked himself in his jail cell before a game.”

Manuel did not hesitate when asked if there was one deceased cast member he wishes he could bring back, and it wouldn’t have been the comical Barney Fife, or even Andy himself.

“Aunt Bea,” Manuel quickly responded. “What a freakin’ hottie! She could bake my biscuits anytime.”

Bucknor giving himself an earful (Source: Flickr.com-UMPS CARE Charity)

Embarrassed by his atrocious calls on the bases during the ALDS Game 1 and an equally inept performance calling balls and strikes in Game 2, umpire C.B. Bucknor ejected himself from the third and final game of the series between the Boston Red Sox and Los Angeles Angels.

Bucknor, who was in charge of the right field foul line in the series finale, could be heard arguing loudly with himself, at times lapsing into expletive-laced tirades.

 “He was really laying into himself,” said Angels right fielder Bobby Abreu after the game. “I couldn’t believe the language he was using. It sounded like a Martin Lawrence CD or something.”

Red Sox right fielder J.D. Drew, known for his strong religious beliefs, was so offended that he almost left the field at one point.

 “I felt so…dirty after awhile,” Drew said. “It was to the point where I just wanted to run off the field and take a shower. I just hope God will have mercy on his soul.”

Things came to a head during the bottom of the seventh inning when Bucknor suddenly sprinted down the right field foul line, ripped the first base bag out of the ground, and attempted to throw it at himself. He then began kicking dirt on his left shoe with his right foot.

The ejection culminated when Bucknor pointed to himself, spun around in a circle on his left leg and shot his right index finger into the air. The other five members of the umpiring crew then had to restrain Bucknor from attacking himself.

 After exiting the field through the Red Sox dugout, Bucknor began to litter the field with bats, gloves and containers of Gatorade before he was finally dragged into the Red Sox clubhouse.

Bucknor would not comment on his actions following the game, citing the rule indicating that any criticism of the umpires can result in a major fine and/or suspension.

LaRussa turns to bottle in undated photo (Source: Flickr.com-John Renfro 99)

Disconsolate following his team’s unexpected early exit from the postseason, St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa said he will seek comfort from his old friend, the bottle.

“The bottle has always been there for me in my time of need,” LaRussa said shortly after his team’s season-ending 5-1 loss to the Los Angeles Dodgers. “I think it’s about time we get together again.”

LaRussa and the bottle had apparently been at odds ever since the manager’s DUI arrest in March of 2007. LaRussa had blamed the bottle for the incident, claiming that it had kept him from operating his vehicle properly. LaRussa swore off the bottle shortly after the incident, saying that the two would no longer be friends.

However, LaRussa is so devastated because of his team’s loss that he is even considering befriending several bottles at once.

“I think it’s gonna take more than one bottle to get over this one,” he said. “In fact, I know of a place where they have 99 bottles on the wall. I think I’ll take one down and pass it around, followed by another, and then another. In times like these, you need all the friends you can get.”

LaRussa also said that his consultation with the bottle may help him determine his future. He is 65 years old and says he is unsure if he wants to return for a 15th season as the Cardinals manager.

“I really don’t know what I want to do yet,” he said. “I have a feeling that once I start spending time with the bottle again, I may not want to do anything else. We’ve always had such a good time together.”

The St. Louis-based Anheuser-Busch Brewery, the former owner of the Cardinals and purveyor of millions of bottles, would not comment as to whether it had been contacted recently by LaRussa.

Will Manny dog it in the postseason? (Source: Flickr.com-ewwies)

To: Ned Colletti, GM

Fr:  Manny, #99

Sub: Request for Time Off

 cc: Joe Torre

Dear Dudes,

I thought I would take a break from watching Scooby-Doo reruns to write you this note. Hope you don’t mind the crayon.

I was just wondering if I could have a little time off. I know the playoffs are coming up and all that, but I’m really tired right now and I don’t feel like playing.

I don’t know what it is, but ever since I stopped taking those ladies’ baby drugs, I just don’t feel like myself. Maybe I need some Midol or something.

Let’s face it—19 jacks and 63 ribbies just ain’t me. I need to get away from it all for awhile and have a little ‘me’ time. I am 37 now, you know.

I was thinking of heading down to the Dominican, kickin’ back, having a few cold ones, maybe start a dogfighting ring. Ha-ha! I might feel like coming back in time for the World Series if you guys make it that far. I kinda doubt it, though.

I know what you’re thinking: There’s Manny, dogging it again. But really, even with that 50-game vacation I had earlier in the year, I’m pretty much toast.

I’m sure you could find somebody to replace me. Maybe you could call one of those temp agencies. They might be able to send somebody over with really cool dreads.

I really hope you don’t make me play. If you do, I might have to come up with one of those mysterious hamstring injuries again.

Gotta go—it’s almost time for the Power Rangers to come on.

Hasta la vista,

Me Being Me

P.S. If you do make me play, would it be okay if I took a nap in the outfield? You could just have somebody yell if a ball comes my way.

Piniella during lobotomy procedure (Source: Flickr.com-deane crilley)

 Reeling from the stress of a disappointing season and the news that his city lost out on the 2016 Summer Olympic Games, Chicago Cubs manager Lou Piniella underwent an emergency lobotomy late last night.

The 30-minute procedure was performed at the University of Chicago Hospital by a second-year medical resident identified only as “Slicin’ Sally.”

“Lou just hadn’t been himself lately,” said Cubs bench coach Alan Trammell of the normally fiery Piniella. “Instead of yelling at umpires, he was complimenting them on their personal hygiene and grooming. He went out to argue a call, but instead of yanking a base out of the ground and throwing it like usual, he brushed it off and wiped it down with a moist towelette.”

Trammell said that the Cubs’ imminent second-place National League Central finish in a season where many experts had picked them to go to the World Series had been weighing heavily on Piniella for some time. However, it was the Olympic announcement that sealed the deal.

“Lou was just walking around in a daze, mumbling to himself,” Trammell said. “I couldn’t quite catch all of it. Just something about how it’s all that damn goat’s fault.”

While there was no official comment from the hospital, one person close to Piniella did speak off the record.

“Lou’s just fine,” he said. “He was awake during the whole procedure. At one point, he called the surgeon a “bleepin’ ho-bag,’ so early indications are that he will be back to his old self in no time.”

Trammell said he had no doubt that the surgery will not hinder Piniella’s ability to manage in 2010.

“Lou will be back, for sure,” he said. “He doesn’t need a whole brain. Did you see some of his pitching changes? It’s not like he was using it, anyway.

Phillies players engage in foreplay after victory (Source: Flicker.com-Roose13)

 The City of Brotherly Love lived up to its name after the Philadelphia Phillies clinched the National League East title with a 10-3 victory over the Houston Astros at Citizens Bank Park.

As players swarmed over each other on the field following the game’s final out, their true feelings for one another began to emerge.

“I’ve had my eye on that Cole Hamels for some time now,” reserve catcher Paul Bako confessed after the game. “Those delicate features; those Bambi eyes. Couldn’t you just hug him all to pieces?”

Pitcher Pedro Martinez admitted that there may have been a little more to it than just a chance to win a World Series in his selection of the Phillies as the team with which to make a late-season comeback.

“Two words: Chase Utley,” Martinez said, referring to the Phillies second baseman. “So agile, and yet so strong. I’ve been longing for his passionate embrace since the first time I laid eyes on him.”

Meanwhile, 46-year-old pitcher Jamie Moyer indicated a fondness for the younger players on the squad.

“I’ve always been attracted to tall Texans, so I can’t wait for a little ‘alone time’ with that Kyle Kendrick,” Moyer said of the 6 foot 3 Houston native. “What a man-muffin!…Hey, I’m an old man. I have to get it while I still can.”

Closer Brad Lidge, who has struggled badly during the season, said that he found a source of strength during the tough times.

“Matt Stairs—he’s been so…there for me in my time of need,” Lidge said of the veteran outfielder. “True, he’s not the prettiest filly in the paddock, but what he lacks in physical attractiveness he makes up for in inner beauty. Plus, there’s no substitute for experience.”

Manager Charlie Manuel said he didn’t understand what all the fuss was about.

“So what’s the big deal?” the man affectionately known as “Charlie Mayberry” said. “I thought that this is just what guys do. I mean, I am from the mountains of West Virginia.

Lefty relief specialist Spurgeon "Grandpa" Southbone (Source: Flickr.com-Diego Sierralta)

Some definitions of the baseball terminology that has crept into the lexicon over the past 20 years or so, and how they might be used in a sentence by a manager… 

Tack-on runs-Additional runs sought by a team to increase a razor-thin lead.

Example: “I know we were leading 16 to 2, in the bottom of the eighth, but I put on the double steal because we needed some tack-on runs.”

Pitch count-The number of pitches that a starting pitcher is limited to in the course of a game.

Example: “I know Ace had a perfect game going, but he had reached his pitch count so I was afraid his arm might break off at the shoulder and be dragged away and gnawed on by that scary-looking mascot. And no, I don’t think it was a mistake, even though the bullpen blew an eight-run lead.”

Catch-and-throw guy-A journeyman catcher know for his defensive prowess and anemic bat.

Example: “We were lucky that Lamestick was available, even though he has been released eight times in the past six months. He’s a good catch-and-throw guy, but if I see him go within 10 feet of the bat rack I’m gonna rip off his arms and use them to make fungo bats.”

Innings eater-A pitcher of mediocre ability who, in defiance of basic human decency, is allowed to pitch into the sixth inning in his starts, regardless of his effectiveness.

Example: “McGopher is a real innings eater. True, his ERA is higher than the national debt, but at least he saves me from using my middle relievers. Their ERA is higher than the cast of a Cheech and Chong movie.”

Contract year: A term often heard with regard to a player who signed a lucrative multi-year contract, then pretty much phoned it in until the final year, when it comes time to seek a new, more lucrative mult-year contract.

Example: “Glad to see that Lardbutt finally got it together. He seems to have finally gotten over his nagging hair follicle strain and his chronic tongue burn, and has gotten his batting average over .230. You can tell it’s a contract year.”

Left-handed specialist: A left-handed reliever, usually in his mid-50’s or older, whose only job is to face one opposing left-handed hitter every week or so, compiling 18 2/3 innings per season in the process.

Example: “I wanted to bring Grandpa Southbone in to face Sluggerewski in that situation, but I thought he needed another night off. I know he’s our left-handed specialist, but he did pitch a third of an inning during the Nixon Administration

Now that's an erection...and a half! (Source: Flickr.com-drum881)

What in the world is this world coming to? Four clowns stole the statue of a giant number 8, a tribute to Orioles legend Cal Ripken, that stood near the entrance of Oriole Park at Camden Yards. Fortunately, police apprehended the lunkheads a short time later, as they were apparently riding around town with the statue in the back of a pickup truck. One can only wonder what they might have done with it. Here are eight (of course) possibilities…

1. Plant it on the lawn of Octomom.

2. Gather the kids from the 70’s TV show “Eight is Enough” for a reunion photo op; well, at least the ones that are still alive, out on parole, or not presently in rehab.

3.  Put it under the sea, in an octopus’s garden. In the shade.

4. Try to make it less noticeable by turning it upside down.

5. Sell it to the number 9 so it can move up in the pecking order.

6. Divide it into eighths and sell the individual units on eBay to raise their bail money.

7. Carry it around the city so that they can brag about their collective IQ.

8. Drive it to New York and erect it in front of the new Yankee Stadium as a tribute to Yogi Berra, so at the dedication ceremony, Yogi could say, “Thank you for giving me such a big erection at my age.”

Kids, this is what happens if you use steroids (Source: Flickr.com-infacinatori)

During a recent series in Baltimore, Yankees third baseman and admitted steroid user Alex Rodriguez stopped by a local high school to speak about the dangers of performance-enhancing drugs, among other things. Here are some of the valuable life lessons he imparted to the students…

“Kids, do not date Madonna when you grow up. She’s pure evil.”

‘”I can’t believe you only got a 62 on that chem final. When the hell are you gonna start coming through in the clutch?”

“Never, EVER get caught in public with a stripper. Keep her in your hotel room where she belongs.”

“I did not have sex with that woman…Mr. Jeter.”

“Yes, it’s true–I did call Joe Torre ‘A-Hole’ behind his back.”

“I tried Boli once but I didn’t inhale.”

“Kids, don’t make the same mistake I did by choosing baseball for a career. There’s no money in it.”

“I’m living proof that you don’t need a college education to succeed in making a fool of yourself.”

“My favorite player is Cal Ripken. Do you think he’ll be in the lineup tonight?”

“Am I getting paid for this?”