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Artist's full-scale rendering of Marbury after thawing (Source: Flickr.com-demealiffe)

Disappointed by what he considers to be a dearth of acceptable contract offers, veteran NBA point guard Stephon Marbury will sit out the next 20 years and have himself frozen in a cryogenics lab in the meantime.

The 32-year-old Marbury, who has played in only 47 regular season games over the past two seasons mainly due to disciplinary issues, says he fully intends to resume his career in the 2019-20 NBA season upon thawing. He recently turned down an offer from the Boston Celtics to play for the $1.3 million veteran minimum salary for the 2009-10 season.

“I’m tired of this s—t,” Marbury said. “Everyone knows I’m the best point guard in the history of the NBA—the history of history, for that matter. I’m gonna get the money I deserve, even if I have to turn my noggin into a Freeze Pop.”

Marbury said he has drawn inspiration from legendary baseball slugger Ted Williams, whose head was separated from his body and cryogenically frozen upon his death in 2002.

“My man Ted had the right idea,” Marbury said. “When the time is right, he’ll be back knocking baseballs off the Green Monster at Fenway and making $50 million. Maybe we can plan our comebacks at the same time. Wouldn’t that be cool!”

Marbury said he was not discouraged by recent stories that Williams’ head was abused by workers at the Arizona cryogenics lab where it is stored, at one point reportedly being used in a bizarre batting practice ritual involving a monkey wrench. He also indicated that he wasn’t worried about long-term effects of the procedure, including the possibility of severe shrinkage.

“The can’t hurt Starbury,” Marbury said. “If anybody tries to mess with my bad frozen self, I’ll thaw myself out and give them a beat-down, just like I did Isiah Thomas.”

Attempts to reach Williams’ head for comment were unsuccessful, as reporters were told it was currently “unavailable.”

Wooden explaining to Alcindor the extent of his manhood (Source: Flickr.com-McCart42)

Fed up with the lengthening of the modern basketball shorts and the demise of the Afro, legendary college basketball coach John Wooden celebrated his 99th birthday by announcing his return to coaching.

Wooden, who last guided  UCLA  in 1975, will replace current Bruins coach Ben Howland, effective immediately. He says his first order of business will be to replace the long shorts that are now in vogue.

“Whoever came up with the idea for long shorts must be some kind of eunuch,” Wooden said. “I fully intend to bring back the Nut-huggers. I think these young men today are afraid to show their ‘manhood,’ if you get my drift. Or maybe the real problem is that they’re a bunch of pansies.”

Wooden also announced plans to recruit some of his former players and have them sport Afros. At the top of his list is his former star, Lewis Alcindor.

“He is no longer Kareem Abdul-Jabbar,” Wooden said of his hairless center. “He’s changing his name back to Lewis Alcindor and getting a brand new ‘Fro from Mr. Ray’s Hair Weave. I can’t wait to be chillin’ with my old homie.”

Wooden said he recently discovered that Alcindor still had one more year of eligibilty remaining since freshmen were not allowed to play varsity ball during his era.

When asked if another UCLA legend, Bill Walton, would also be returning, Wooden indicated that he doesn’t see it happening.

“We tried fitting Bill with an Afro,” he said. “But quite honestly, he looked like a freakin’ Albino nightmare. Even the Afro Sheen Blowout Kit didn’t help.”

Wooden also said he wasn’t worried about finding enough of his former players to field a team in time for the start of the upcoming season.

“If I can’t find enough of my guys, I have all the phone numbers for the cast of the ’70’s TV show The White Shadow. Those young men had some stones!”

"I'll see you in hell, Allen Iverson" ( Photo source: Flickr.com-ballerblogger)

According to Allen Iverson, it was God’s idea for him to sign a contract with the Memphis Grizzlies, a team that has won a measly 68 games over the past three seasons and appears to have a less promising future than Charles Manson.

Which raises the question: What did A.I. ever do to deserve the wrath of the man upstairs? Is there an answer for The Answer? Perhaps a snippet of the conversation between the two will shed some light…

God:  A.I., I hate to tell you this, but I’ve thought it over and decided that you’re playing in Memphis next year.   

A.I.: Memphis? We talkin’ about Memphis? I’m the franchise player and we talkin’ about Memphis? Memphis?

God: Yeah, well, it’s the best I could do. It was either that or playing overseas. They’re dying for point guards in the Ukraine right now. I didn’t think you’d want to go there. I mean, all the women have facial hair and no teeth. It’s not pretty.

A.I.: Couldn’t you at least have gotten me on the Cavs? I mean, me and LeBron together couldn’t be stopped.

God: To tell you the truth, I kinda don’t have the pull in the Association that I used to. Stern’s still pissed at me for the Ron Artest thing–like it’s my fault the man’s a wingnut–and he keeps insisting that I put a winner in New York. What does he think I am–a miracle worker?

A.I.: Yeah, but–Memphis? We talkin’ about Memphis…Man, you know how hot it gets down there? It’s hotter than hel–

God: Don’t say it. I know all about that place…Besides, Memphis isn’t all that bad. There’s the blues, great barbecue, and you might even get to hang out at Graceland. I think they still keep one of Elvis’s pink Cadillacs there. And you can eat peanut butter and ‘nana sandwiches and shoot up TVs, just like The King. Besides, the Grizzlies’ season will be over long before the hot weather starts.

A.I.: Man, I gotta know. Why you doin’ this to me? Was it that weapons thing in ‘02? Or that bowling alley thing? I was just a kid…

God: Well, if you must know, I did it as a favor to Larry Brown. He told that if he has to spend the rest of his career in hell, then you should, too