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Are those things above my eyes alive, and can they hurt me? (Source: Flicker.com: billypalooza)

For the diehard football fan, this Sunday’s Pro Bowl in Miami fills a pigskin void left by the extra week before the Super Bowl.

But for those who are looking for something better to do, which includes anything short of committing mass murder and/or removing their own spleen with a rusty pocketknife, there are some other options…

10. Talk to your wife. This will likely be the first time you’ve acknowledged her existence on a Sunday since the start of football season.

 9. Channel surf feverishly in hopes of finding a better football game. Maybe ESPN Classic will show one of those memorable gems from the XFL.

 8. Play a game of fantasy football in your living room. Pretend you’re Dwight Freeney (with a good ankle) and your mother-in-law is Drew Brees dropping back to pass.

 7. Do something handy around the house. Let’s face it—you haven’t touched a power tool since September and that now-gaping hole in the roof ain’t gonna fix itself.

 6. Make dinner for the whole family…surely, I jest.

 5. Finally get started on that New Year’s resolution to lose 20 lbs. You can begin by getting off the couch to get more Cheetos yourself instead of having them brought to you. The walk to the kitchen should burn at least two calories.

 4. Start to watch that DVD collection of “The A-Team” you got for Christmas and immediately stashed in the attic, hoping it would somehow disappear. How is it that Mr. T never won an Emmy? Pity the fool.

 3. Renew your religious faith by attending evening services at your house of worship—if you can remember where it is.

 2. Take stock of your life and decide the best ways to make the most of your remaining days here on Earth. Like, by watching more football.

 1. Watch “60 Minutes” and try to determine if those things on Andy Rooney’s head are eyebrows, or caterpillars seeking signs of intelligent life.

FSU football academic advisor heading to work (Source: Flickr.com: Rice and D)

 So what types of courses do you put a kid in who probably completed his entrance exam using a box of Crayolas?  Here are some examples…

 Dadgum 101-Taught by Bobby Bowden, the players learn how to talk real good so’s they git a good job when they grajeeate. Those players who can spell their name correctly by the end of the semester will receive a gold star and an extra Oreo before nap time.

 Advanced Smack Talk-Players study photos of their upcoming opponents’ mamas in order to develop a full arsenal of smack for the game. Final exams consist of completing the following phrase: Your mama’s so ugly that_________________.

 Comparative Literature-Players delve into superhero comic books and analyze them for their literary value. Sample essay questions include, “Who was the badder dude: Superman or Spiderman? Discuss.” 

 Pigskin Anatomy-Players work in teams to dissect pigs so that the hides can be used to make practice footballs. Any player who states that the ham from the pig will be used to make hamburgers for the training table is excused from taking the final and receives an automatic A.

 Honors Alphabet-For the more gifted student-athletes, an in-depth look at the ABC’s is taken. Emphasis is placed on being able to list the letters of the alphabet in alphabetical order, starting at A and ending at Z. Partial credit will be given to players who can’t list the entire alphabet but are able to spell “FSU.”

Texas fans channeling the Prince of Darkness (Source: Flickr.com-stegersaurus31)

The Texas Longhorns took advantage of five Oklahoma Sooners turnovers en route to a 16-13 victory in the annual Red River Rivalry.

The mistakes were due in large part to the influence of a Lower Power, the Prince of Darkness. Satan indicated that he had no choice but to affect the outcome to protect his own interests.

“I had the ‘Horns to cover,” Satan said, referring to the point spread that had Texas listed as a 2 1/2-point favorite. “The Sooners were making it close, so I had to do something. I had 10 G’s riding on this one.”

Mephistopheles said he used a variety of methods to force the Sooners into mistakes, including channeling his powers through many of the Longhorns fans in attendance at the Cotton Bowl.

“I won’t reveal all of my methods,” he said. “But I will say that I had to reach deeply into my bag of tricks. I was able to get into the head of that freshman  QB (Oklahoma backup quarterback Landry Jones) a bit. He played like a man possessed, so to speak.”

Satan indicated that he also had to overcome the inept play of the Longhorn, particularly that of quarterback Colt McCoy.

“Leave it a Jesus boy to nearly screw things up,” he said of the God-fearing Texas signal-caller who committed two turnovers. “You try to help a guy out, yet he nearly throws it all away. I mean, it’s not like the devil made him do it.”

Satan vehmently denied accusations that he tried to stack the odds in his favor by causing the first quarter shoulder injury to Oklahoma star quarterback Sam Bradford.

“I had absolutely nothing to do with that injury!” he exclaimed angrily. “Remeber: the kid had a bum shoulder to start with. Just because I’m the devil doesn’t mean I’m some kind of sadist.”

Deion at press conference with misguided Barack Obama look-a-like. (Source: Flickr.com-Mommy2djandtori's photostream)

As a way of capitalizing on his recent wave of publicity, former NFL star Deion “Prime Time” Sanders announced he is launching a new business venture called Prime Time Pinheads Unlimited. The purpose is to give the worst possible advice to clients who are intent upon ruining their lives or who just want to make complete fools of themselves.

Sanders cemented his pinheadedness recently by giving gooberish contract advice to San Francisco 49ers holdout rookie wide receiver Michael Crabtree. He also helped Oklahoma State wide receiver Dez  “Pea-Brain” Bryant get himself suspended by lying about having dinner at Sanders’ Dallas home.

Sanders appeared at a press conference with his newest client, a 15-year-old boy named Darius “Bonehead” McCoy. The youth is apparently getting horrid tips from Sanders as to how to win a Barack Obama look-a-like contest by dressing like a freakin’ clown. McCoy was wearing a jacket that appeared to be made out of remnants from Big Al’s House of Carpet.

Reporters asked Sanders why he felt qualified to give others crappy advice.

“When you think about it, I’ve pretty much always been a chucklehead,” he said. “Remember when I thought I could be a star in both football and baseball? What about that gay do-rag I used to wear? Then there was that little-girlie slap fight I had on the field with Andre Rison. And how about when I dumped champagne on Tim McCarver’s head? I mean, am I a cretin or what?”

Sanders also said there is no limit to the bad advice he can give in the future.

 “There’s so much I could do in my new role,” he said. “I’m sure schools would hire me to speak to the kids about the advantages of joining gangs and having unprotected sex as young as possible. I’m also thinking of becoming a full-time agent. Just give me one year, and I’d have the entire NFL on skid row.”

Grainy police photo of Bowden being taken into custody (Source: Flickr.com-photo1nc)

Florida State head football coach Bobby Bowden was arrested and charged with impersonating a head coach following Saturday’s tough 28-21 loss to Boston College.

Bowden, who turns 80 in November, was seen being led from the field by state troopers. He waived extradition and flew home from Boston to Tallahassee with the Seminoles team.

“The truth is Bobby hasn’t been involved with this team for a long time,” said offensive coordinator Jimbo Fisher, who is Bowden’s designated replacement. “You saw how confused he looks on the sidelines, like he’s trying to remember where he put his damn car keys. In team meetings, he’ll suddenly get up, drop his pants and say things like ‘let’s see you try and sack this.’ The man just doesn’t have it anymore.”

Florida State athletic director Randy Spetman said he had Bowden arrested as a way to let the aging coach know that it was soon time to move on, something for which he has no remorse.

“Just because the guy’s 80 doesn’t mean he can’t start another career,” Spetman said. “I was in a Walmart the other day and the greeter at the door had to be at least Bobby’s age. And he was doing a damn fine job too, once they sat him up straight and wiped the drool off his chin.”

University president T.K. Wetherell said that Bowden’s arrest will not hinder him from being the de facto head coach for the rest of the season.

“FSU does not change coaches in the middle of the season,” Wetherell said in a news release. “Bobby doesn’t go to court until January. In the meantime, he can stand on the sidelines during games and chew his gum and scratch himself freely, or whatever it is he does down there.”

If convicted, Bowden could either receive the death penalty or the much harsher sentence of having to watch Chris Rix game films until the end of time as we know it.

Bowden had no comment for reporters when questioned while leaving his Tallahassee home.

“None of your dadgum business,” he said when asked for his reaction to his arrest. He then dropped his pants and said, “Let’s see you try and interview this.”

"I concur. The Monroe Doctrine ultimately paved the way for American expansionism in the early 19th century." (Source: flickr.com-jesusd1982)

Okay kids, here’s a sports trivia question for you: Who is the Cypriot Ambassador to the United Nations?

I’ll give the answer at the end of this post–no peeking, or I’ll slap your knuckles with a ruler. If you do happen to know the answer, you may be qualified for which of the following careers?

a) A foreign affairs correspondent on CNN.
b) One of those annoying college professors who can list every UN Ambassador from every country in the past 30 years but has the charm and social skills of a piece of navel lint.
c) The Cypriot Ambassador to the United Nations

The correct answer to this question is: a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader.

Believe it or not, one of the qualifications to be able to shake your groove thing for America’s team, in addition to having a fantastic pair of pom-poms, is to pass a test that covers world affairs, facts about Cowboys history, and presumably things like how to apply mascara while simultaneously splitting an atom.

I can only imagine the answers given by those candidates who didn’t quite make the cut.

Q. The Bay of Pigs Invasion of 1961 strained relations between the United States and Cuba, and left a black mark on the presidency of John F. Kennedy. Discuss.

A. Like, I can totally relate. I one dated this guy named John, and he was such a pig. Like, he used to work for this tar company, and whenever he came to my apartment after work his shoes would leave black marks all over my carpet. It was totally gross! It strained our relations, so I dumped him for a garbage man.

Q. Compare and contrast the fall of the Iron Curtain with the collapse of the Roman empire.

A. That’s silly. Everyone knows you should never iron curtains, even if they fall. And the Empire State Building is not in Rome. It’s right here in Dallas.

Q. Who is the current President of the United States?

A. Wait, don’t tell me. It’s some Italian guy. I think his name is Rocco Bahama, right? No, wait. This must be one of those trick questions. I bet his name is Current.

By the way, the Cypriot Ambassador to the United Nations is Minas Hadjimichael. And yes, I had to look it up. None of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders would return my call.

Oops...How did that get there? (Source: Flicker.com-True Stories)

Former New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress recently began serving a two-year prison sentence for accidentally shooting himself in the thigh with an unlicensed Glock. Plax had the Weapon of Mass Dumbassness concealed in the waistband of his sweatpants while he was in a Manhattan nightclub. 

Had the weapon been located in the back of his sweatpants, Plax most likely would have blown his brains out.

Given Plax’s fondness for placing objects down his pants, I can only wonder what he may have tried to sneak into prison with him…

10. A fully-grown cucumber as a way to attract lots of new friends.

9. A DVD of The Longest Yard—the original version, not the dreadful Adam Sandler remake. Too bad he won’t be able to nail Ray Nitschke in the groin.

8. A copy of the book Bend Over for the Soap and Bark Like a Dog: A Prison Survival Guide by Michael Vick.

7. Copies of his two 2008 restraining orders to keep him from getting homesick.

6. Keys to the Chevy Avalanche given to him by a car dealer for his use that he never returned and was eventually impounded by police. Hey, he’s gonna need something to drive in two years.

5. Keys to the uninsured $140,000 Mercedes he was operating when he rear-ended another driver. (See # 6 above.) My guess is that he will become an expert in rear-ending over the next two years.

4. Eli Manning’s phone number so that he can call the Giants quarterback from time to time to tell him that he’s wide open.

3. A copy of the book How to Make Fabulous Filet Mignon from Prison Mystery Meat by Martha Stewart.

2. His degree in Molecular Biology that he received from Michigan State…yeah, right.

1. An unlicensed Glock. Some guys never learn.

Otis contemplates Vick's fate (Source: Flickr.com-GaryQ)

Michael Vick is ready for his return to the NFL, and apparently so are the canine residents of the City of Brotherly Love. 

The Philadelphia Eagles quarterback is set to return to an active NFL roster this Sunday for the first time since 2006 due to his imprisonment for running a dogfighting operation.

“I’ve been watching football from afar the last two years and this is a dream come true to me,” Vick told the Associated Press.

Meanwhile, a six-year-old Philadelphia bulldog named Otis gave indications that Vick’s dream could turn into a nightmare come Sunday’s home game against the Kansas City Chiefs.

 “He’s not the only one who’s been waiting,” Otis said with a snarl. “My buddies and I might just have a little something up our wrinkles for Mr. Vick.”

When asked to elaborate, Otis would not say what might be in store for Vick, but he did rule out some possibilities. 

“We kicked around a few ideas,” he said. “At first, we were planning to paint all the city’s fire hydrants in Eagles colors and with Vick’s number 7 so that all the dogs would have a chance to ‘vent,’ so to speak. But we dismissed that as being too juvenile.

“Then, we thought about having an organized Dawg Pound similar to what the Browns have in Cleveland, but we wanted something more original. Besides, the anatomical structure of our paws makes it difficult to purchase game tickets online.”

Otis scoffed when asked if the Philadelphia dogs have enlisted the aid of PETA to help them form an organized protest outside the stadium.

 “PETA! What a bunch of losers,” he said. “I mean, a bunch of whack jobs standing there holding signs and screaming, ‘Save our little kitties and puppies’ ? Get a freakin’ life and move out of the loft in your grandma’s garage, why don’t ya? We plan on doing something that has a little more ‘teeth’ to it.”

Otis was asked what he thought about Vick’s running of the Eagles’ Wildcat formation.

 “Wildcat…how ironic,” he said. “Here he gets sent to the pokey for torturing dogs, now he’s running the Wildcat. I guess they were afraid of calling it ‘Bulldog.’ Talk about political correctness gone awry. What a bunch of wusses.”

 Otis concluded by hinting that Vick should be on his guard when he leaves the stadium on Sunday.

“He better still be wearing his uniform when he’s walking out to his car—including his protective cup. He’s gonna feel like a mailman in a meat suit.”

"Bring it on, Dwarf Boy" (Source: Flickr.com-DyeStatCal)

In an effort to avoid having his team’s season ruined by yet another unexpected loss to a conference opponent, USC Trojans head coach Pete Carroll announced his school’s plans to secede from the Pac-10 Conference to form a league of its own. 

Carroll’s comments came after his team’s most recent debacle, a last-second loss to the Washington Huskies, a team that was winless in 2008. In previous years, the Trojans had seen their hopes of a national championship dashed by losses to conference foes such as Stanford, UCLA, and Oregon State, and an inexplicable thrashing at the hands of the Arizona State women’s water polo team. 

“This conference is just too damn tough,” said Carroll. “We need to start playing a weaker schedule, like maybe some high school badminton teams–I‘m talking intramurals here, not the regular team. I heard there is a parochial school out in El Segundo called Our Lady of Perpetual Cowards. They’d be more than welcome to join. I’d even be open to playing against a squad of dwarfs or amputees.” 

When asked what the name of his new conference would be, Carroll said he was considering several options.

“I think it needs a catchy name to draw attention, yet still manages to tell everybody what the league is all about. I’m thinking something like ‘The Insignificant 10’ or, to be more realistic, ‘The Lame-Ass 10.’”

 Carroll was also asked if his conference should be eligible for the BCS. 

“Sure, why not?” he said. “Just because our teams might be physically incapable of playing Parcheesi, let alone football, doesn’t mean they couldn’t compete with the big boys. I mean, even  Florida would struggle against a team of orphans with no functioning appendages if we gave ‘em some of those motorized wheel chairs. Such devices would be banned during our conference schedule, of course.” 

Carroll also said he felt no shame in playing a weaker schedule.

“Heck no–why should I?” he said. “If nothing else, it should be able to save my school a ton of money since I won’t have to spend as much on recruiting perks.

Would you hug this...man? (Source: Flickr.com-Tensegrity Dan)

Foxborough, Mass.-Faced with the unenviable prospect of ending their cherished 11-game losing streak to the New England Patriots, the Buffalo Bills committed some clutch mistakes down the stretch to pull out a 24-25 loss.

Leading 24-13, the Bills’ comeback began when their defense generously allowed a Tom Brady touchdown pass to Benjamin Watson with 2:06 left in the fourth quarter.

Then, to demonstrate that there truly is no “i” in “defeat,” the Bills’ Leodis McKelvin fumbled the ensuing kickoff which was recovered by the Patriots at the Buffalo 31. The Bills then displayed the heart of a cellar-dweller by looking on with pride as Brady connected with Watson again, this time for the winning score.

“I feel so good for Benjamin,” said Buffalo head coach Dick Jauron after the game. “He looked so lost and alone for most of the game. I was just happy that we were able to afford the opportunity for him to feel good about himself. Self-esteem, combined with gentleness and love are so important in this league.”

Jauron also added that he knew his team could keep the losing streak going, and was pleased to hear that Brady tied his personal completion mark of 39 in a single game.

“I knew we could do it,” he said. “I mean, we sucked so bad in the preseason that I knew we could get it together at the end of the game. And while I’m happy for Tom, I feel badly that he didn’t break his record. Oh well, we do play them again later in the year. Maybe it’ll happen then.”

McKelvin also expressed joy over his game-losing miscue.

“I don’t know what was wrong with me,” he said. “I mean, I played so well the whole game. That’s just not me.  I’m just glad I could come through when it mattered most.”

Patriots coach Bill Belichick, meanwhile, was beside himself over his team’s performance.

“Comebacks like that really get my goat,” he said. “We did everything we could to lose that game and finally end that stupid streak, then our guys just had to ruin it for everyone by playing great. Boy, are they gonna get it in practice this week. They have been taking advantage of my warm demeanor and sunny disposition for too long. From now on, it’s no more Mr. Nice Guy… I just need to hug something right now. Has anybody seen my puppy?