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Wooden explaining to Alcindor the extent of his manhood (Source: Flickr.com-McCart42)

Fed up with the lengthening of the modern basketball shorts and the demise of the Afro, legendary college basketball coach John Wooden celebrated his 99th birthday by announcing his return to coaching.

Wooden, who last guided  UCLA  in 1975, will replace current Bruins coach Ben Howland, effective immediately. He says his first order of business will be to replace the long shorts that are now in vogue.

“Whoever came up with the idea for long shorts must be some kind of eunuch,” Wooden said. “I fully intend to bring back the Nut-huggers. I think these young men today are afraid to show their ‘manhood,’ if you get my drift. Or maybe the real problem is that they’re a bunch of pansies.”

Wooden also announced plans to recruit some of his former players and have them sport Afros. At the top of his list is his former star, Lewis Alcindor.

“He is no longer Kareem Abdul-Jabbar,” Wooden said of his hairless center. “He’s changing his name back to Lewis Alcindor and getting a brand new ‘Fro from Mr. Ray’s Hair Weave. I can’t wait to be chillin’ with my old homie.”

Wooden said he recently discovered that Alcindor still had one more year of eligibilty remaining since freshmen were not allowed to play varsity ball during his era.

When asked if another UCLA legend, Bill Walton, would also be returning, Wooden indicated that he doesn’t see it happening.

“We tried fitting Bill with an Afro,” he said. “But quite honestly, he looked like a freakin’ Albino nightmare. Even the Afro Sheen Blowout Kit didn’t help.”

Wooden also said he wasn’t worried about finding enough of his former players to field a team in time for the start of the upcoming season.

“If I can’t find enough of my guys, I have all the phone numbers for the cast of the ’70’s TV show The White Shadow. Those young men had some stones!”