21
10/09
Marbury to sit out for decades: will undergo Ted williams procedure

Artist's full-scale rendering of Marbury after thawing (Source: Flickr.com-demealiffe)
Disappointed by what he considers to be a dearth of acceptable contract offers, veteran NBA point guard Stephon Marbury will sit out the next 20 years and have himself frozen in a cryogenics lab in the meantime.
The 32-year-old Marbury, who has played in only 47 regular season games over the past two seasons mainly due to disciplinary issues, says he fully intends to resume his career in the 2019-20 NBA season upon thawing. He recently turned down an offer from the Boston Celtics to play for the $1.3 million veteran minimum salary for the 2009-10 season.
“I’m tired of this s—t,” Marbury said. “Everyone knows I’m the best point guard in the history of the NBA—the history of history, for that matter. I’m gonna get the money I deserve, even if I have to turn my noggin into a Freeze Pop.”
Marbury said he has drawn inspiration from legendary baseball slugger Ted Williams, whose head was separated from his body and cryogenically frozen upon his death in 2002.
“My man Ted had the right idea,” Marbury said. “When the time is right, he’ll be back knocking baseballs off the Green Monster at Fenway and making $50 million. Maybe we can plan our comebacks at the same time. Wouldn’t that be cool!”
Marbury said he was not discouraged by recent stories that Williams’ head was abused by workers at the Arizona cryogenics lab where it is stored, at one point reportedly being used in a bizarre batting practice ritual involving a monkey wrench. He also indicated that he wasn’t worried about long-term effects of the procedure, including the possibility of severe shrinkage.
“The can’t hurt Starbury,” Marbury said. “If anybody tries to mess with my bad frozen self, I’ll thaw myself out and give them a beat-down, just like I did Isiah Thomas.”
Attempts to reach Williams’ head for comment were unsuccessful, as reporters were told it was currently “unavailable.”