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FSU football academic advisor heading to work (Source: Flickr.com: Rice and D)

 So what types of courses do you put a kid in who probably completed his entrance exam using a box of Crayolas?  Here are some examples…

 Dadgum 101-Taught by Bobby Bowden, the players learn how to talk real good so’s they git a good job when they grajeeate. Those players who can spell their name correctly by the end of the semester will receive a gold star and an extra Oreo before nap time.

 Advanced Smack Talk-Players study photos of their upcoming opponents’ mamas in order to develop a full arsenal of smack for the game. Final exams consist of completing the following phrase: Your mama’s so ugly that_________________.

 Comparative Literature-Players delve into superhero comic books and analyze them for their literary value. Sample essay questions include, “Who was the badder dude: Superman or Spiderman? Discuss.” 

 Pigskin Anatomy-Players work in teams to dissect pigs so that the hides can be used to make practice footballs. Any player who states that the ham from the pig will be used to make hamburgers for the training table is excused from taking the final and receives an automatic A.

 Honors Alphabet-For the more gifted student-athletes, an in-depth look at the ABC’s is taken. Emphasis is placed on being able to list the letters of the alphabet in alphabetical order, starting at A and ending at Z. Partial credit will be given to players who can’t list the entire alphabet but are able to spell “FSU.”

Grainy police photo of Bowden being taken into custody (Source: Flickr.com-photo1nc)

Florida State head football coach Bobby Bowden was arrested and charged with impersonating a head coach following Saturday’s tough 28-21 loss to Boston College.

Bowden, who turns 80 in November, was seen being led from the field by state troopers. He waived extradition and flew home from Boston to Tallahassee with the Seminoles team.

“The truth is Bobby hasn’t been involved with this team for a long time,” said offensive coordinator Jimbo Fisher, who is Bowden’s designated replacement. “You saw how confused he looks on the sidelines, like he’s trying to remember where he put his damn car keys. In team meetings, he’ll suddenly get up, drop his pants and say things like ‘let’s see you try and sack this.’ The man just doesn’t have it anymore.”

Florida State athletic director Randy Spetman said he had Bowden arrested as a way to let the aging coach know that it was soon time to move on, something for which he has no remorse.

“Just because the guy’s 80 doesn’t mean he can’t start another career,” Spetman said. “I was in a Walmart the other day and the greeter at the door had to be at least Bobby’s age. And he was doing a damn fine job too, once they sat him up straight and wiped the drool off his chin.”

University president T.K. Wetherell said that Bowden’s arrest will not hinder him from being the de facto head coach for the rest of the season.

“FSU does not change coaches in the middle of the season,” Wetherell said in a news release. “Bobby doesn’t go to court until January. In the meantime, he can stand on the sidelines during games and chew his gum and scratch himself freely, or whatever it is he does down there.”

If convicted, Bowden could either receive the death penalty or the much harsher sentence of having to watch Chris Rix game films until the end of time as we know it.

Bowden had no comment for reporters when questioned while leaving his Tallahassee home.

“None of your dadgum business,” he said when asked for his reaction to his arrest. He then dropped his pants and said, “Let’s see you try and interview this.”