12
12/09
Tiger pulls out…that’s not what she said!
A statement from Tiger Woods…
To all my fans, my friends, my family, and most of all, to all the girls I’ve loved before…
Based on the events of the past couple of weeks, and in large part because my wife now has me sleeping in a pup tent in the backyard, I am announcing my plans to withdraw from all upcoming activities.
Ok, I finally admit that, to paraphrase Chevy Chase in Caddyshack, I’ve been doing a little “night putting” with the daughter of the dean, as well as with cocktail waitresses, chambermaids, soccer moms, housewives of Orange County, and even the surviving cast members of The Golden Girls, to name a few.
It’s true that my entire focus has been on getting it in the hole, one way or another. Maybe if I had learned to pull out sooner, I wouldn’t be needing to have my lawyers scrambling to find loopholes in the prenup.
It is my intent over the next several months to see if there’s any way I’ll be able to sink the birdie again. I love Ellen…Erin….whatever, with all my heart, and I would like nothing better than to be able to improve my lie with her so that I can once again take the wood out of the bag.
And to my sponsors who have made me obscenely rich to the point where God was hitting me up for sawbucks every now and then, I hope you stick with me during this difficult period of my lack of gratification.
If not, no biggie. Just think of the scratch I could make endorsing Trojans. Or how about Viagra…”Viva the Tiger!”
In closing, I’d just like to say how sorry I am for getting caught with my Tiger hanging out. Please give me your forgiveness, or in lieu of that, your sister’s phone number.
Oh, and to that broad I called, you don’t have to take your name off your phone anymore. It kinda doesn’t matter at this point.