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Is Otis (second from left) ready to face CC Sabathia? (Source: Sportspoof.com-Indiewench)

Trailing two games to one to the New York Yankees in the 2009 World Series, Philadelphia Phillies manager Charlie Manuel has decided to call on some old friends to ensure his team doesn’t fall further behind.

Manuel, known as “Charlie Mayberry” for his Southern drawl and homespun country ways, will activate surviving cast members of The Andy Griffith Show to help combat the Bronx Bombers.

“I know it’s a bit of gamble,” Manuel said of his somewhat untraditional strategy. “Some of those guys haven’t played ball in a long time, but I know that Opie had a hell of an arm. I remember that episode where he threw a baseball clean through the neighbor’s window, which is a damn sight better than (Cole) Hamels can do right now.”

Manuel also said that the Pyle cousins, auto mechanics Goober and Gomer, would be available in the bullpen for the rest of the series.

“Those two couldn’t fix cars worth a pint of piss,” Manuel said. “But I heard they once combined on a two-hitter to shut down Mount Pilot. It’s a damn shame that Gomer went and joined the Marines. I understand he had a hell of a future as a closer.”

When pressed, Manuel indicated that he wishes he could bring in the now-deceased loveable town drunk Otis Campbell to replace slumping slugger Ryan Howard at first base.

“I think Otis could have been a real asset if he would have had a chance to go to rehab. I just saw the Griffith episode where Andy swore him in as a deputy, so that tells me he might have eventually been ready to step up to the plate, so to speak. But he probably would’ve  gone on a bender and locked himself in his jail cell before a game.”

Manuel did not hesitate when asked if there was one deceased cast member he wishes he could bring back, and it wouldn’t have been the comical Barney Fife, or even Andy himself.

“Aunt Bea,” Manuel quickly responded. “What a freakin’ hottie! She could bake my biscuits anytime.”

Phillies players engage in foreplay after victory (Source: Flicker.com-Roose13)

 The City of Brotherly Love lived up to its name after the Philadelphia Phillies clinched the National League East title with a 10-3 victory over the Houston Astros at Citizens Bank Park.

As players swarmed over each other on the field following the game’s final out, their true feelings for one another began to emerge.

“I’ve had my eye on that Cole Hamels for some time now,” reserve catcher Paul Bako confessed after the game. “Those delicate features; those Bambi eyes. Couldn’t you just hug him all to pieces?”

Pitcher Pedro Martinez admitted that there may have been a little more to it than just a chance to win a World Series in his selection of the Phillies as the team with which to make a late-season comeback.

“Two words: Chase Utley,” Martinez said, referring to the Phillies second baseman. “So agile, and yet so strong. I’ve been longing for his passionate embrace since the first time I laid eyes on him.”

Meanwhile, 46-year-old pitcher Jamie Moyer indicated a fondness for the younger players on the squad.

“I’ve always been attracted to tall Texans, so I can’t wait for a little ‘alone time’ with that Kyle Kendrick,” Moyer said of the 6 foot 3 Houston native. “What a man-muffin!…Hey, I’m an old man. I have to get it while I still can.”

Closer Brad Lidge, who has struggled badly during the season, said that he found a source of strength during the tough times.

“Matt Stairs—he’s been so…there for me in my time of need,” Lidge said of the veteran outfielder. “True, he’s not the prettiest filly in the paddock, but what he lacks in physical attractiveness he makes up for in inner beauty. Plus, there’s no substitute for experience.”

Manager Charlie Manuel said he didn’t understand what all the fuss was about.

“So what’s the big deal?” the man affectionately known as “Charlie Mayberry” said. “I thought that this is just what guys do. I mean, I am from the mountains of West Virginia.